Blood Lust

For a long time. I have occasionally had the fantasy of draining myself of my blood. I could never slit my wrists however. I always imagine it the same way. Sliding a needle with a long tube attached to it into a vein. Romantically watching my life leave me drop by drop down the drain with the rest of the filth. I slowly fade to black leaving nothing behind but these words and my lifeless body. No mess no fuss.

First Post

Lately my head has been spinning with a lethal combination of boredom, self doubt, insecurity; add in overwhelming amounts of worthlessness and my state of mind becomes clear. That's the only thing that is clear to me however. A cloudy future with bleak prospects are the only things that I see. Having now been out of work for three years now, I'm feeling more and more like I'll never work again. To be fair I didn't work for two years, because I went to school. After being laid-off from my machining job I decided to go to school for something that I actually wanted to do. Graphic Design. Since my graduation this spring I've had nothing but bad luck in searching for a job. I call it bad luck there but its more like failure after failure. Usually my applications fall on deaf ears, not even garnering a cordial rejection email. So what is wrong? Why no love? Well it could be the horrible gap in work history on my resume. It could be the fact that all my previous experience was in a machine shop. It could also be a failure of my Graphic Design abilities. Honestly it's likely a combination of all these things. Even if I was to get pass all of these obstacles and actually be granted an interview, my meek personality and awkward behaviors around strangers would certainly put me at the bottom of the field. Not even Target or IKEA (which my long term girlfriend has worked at since their opening) would hire me. What does that mean for me and my chances? I truly feel like I will spend my life in other's debt. I'll be a burden to my girlfriend until she is forced to leave me in a heartbreaking moment of disappointment. I'll end up homeless and even more goddamned miserable than I already am. I am the living drain on society. I am the drain on my friends and family. I am shamed daily. If I do something as simple go to the store I have to either ask for money to pay or pray that my card isn't going to be rejected at the counter. I don't know how much longer I can handle the shame that is my life. I would just like things to go well for once. Never has my life been easy.